Well, I once read a woman's profile where she made this sarcastic remark about how there must be loads of men wandering about in the hills. Obviously men are going to put something like "I like going for walks in the countryside" on their profiles because when they are listing their interests they are going to put down things that they think that women are going to want to do with a man. In my case it's actually true. I live in the city but my parents stay in a little village and I quite often go down there at weekends for a change of scene and I take my dog out for long walks. Why would I lie about that? It's pretty boring really. My life is pretty boring. If I had a really active social life and was doing lots of exciting stuff I wouldn't be on the internet every night. I'm on dating sites because I want a girlfriend to go out and do stuff with.

When I finally got someone on here to meet me she came to visit me at weekends and I met her in the town and showed her about the city and took her out to nice places. We had a nice time together. We were two bored and lonely people that met and had fun together. Who is going to lie about being bored and lonely? But I'm supposed to be a confident guy that doesn't sound desperate they say because coming across as being negative and desperate puts women off and isn't atractive. It's honest though.

Is honesty the best policy? Well, I don't really know but when I have managed to get women to talk to me on these sites do you know what they say to me? They tell me about how these sites are terrible and they are full of creeps and liars. They are pretty damned negative too.

So yeah, the women are suspicious and so am I but if I manage to strike up a friendship with one of them I try to persuade them to meet me. I did meet somebody on here. She was looking for a caring honest guy to have fun with. That's what she got and we saw each other for a while and just took it one week at a time. It's unreasonable to expect anything more than that. You can't know how it's going to work out but if you aren't at least willing to give it a go you will never know. Personally, I don't have a hell of a lot to lose. If I meet somebody and it doesn't work out I'm really no worse off than I am now.

I SECOND THAT MOTION... this is a dating site... you know, to meet and get to know someone... How else is that going to happen if you don't make a profile of yourself

Yes I have met in person plenty of people. I've talked to on this site. And none of the men I met were weirdos or serial killers. Some women do post online profiles for attention.And some women just want to find a good man , and finding one of them is rare around here now days.

Now I'm confused. Weren't you giving the thumbs up to Athena for exactly this sort of procrastination?

Uh... I Dont think so??? Thumbs up for procrastination?
can you please clarify?
This post isnt personal to my dealings.
I'm helping think of reasons.

I was gonna quote something TawtStrat had mentioned, but it wouldn't all fit into my browser, so I'll mention it without the quotes. He mentioned that as long as you ask his family, then there's hardly much room for doubt. I completely agree with this. If you need even more evidence other than asking their families, then either you have trust issues or are over-exaggerating. What more evidence do you need? Is my point.

"Do women post online profiles for attention?"

ummmmm, isn't that the point here?

glad I could speak your mind, jeanniebean...

Okay, what I was trying to say was that I thought that you aproved when people were saying that they weren't going to rush into a meeting (if that's a better way to put it) even when they are telling you that they do like you and you are getting on well with them.

Anyway, I know that you were trying to think of reasons and I have told you about my own experience with this where I became friendly with someone on here who I eventually met and dated and it did turn out that she was still involved with someone else. They were "on a break" and their sex life had ceased but they were still hanging about with each other all the time as friends. Actually, she did tell me that she had dated some other guy from this site that she liked and I don't know how long she messed him about and procrastinated until she agreed to a meeting but I doubt that it was as long as I had to wait because she lived in a different city from me and I needed her to come here to meet me. She gave me a bunch of excuses anyway when she was putting off the date, including saying that she wasn't really ready for "anything serious". I'm pretty sure that I could have got a date with her sooner if I had been able to just go there to meet her, so I don't think that that her still being involved with someone or being on the rebound was really what was stopping her. Some of the excuses that she gave me were genuine. She had financial problems and she suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I was asking her to come to a "strange" place outside of her comfort zone and that was actually quite a big step for her to take.

You make a valid point though when you suggest that "maybe she just isn't that much into you". You chat to them online. They want to see how you get on as friends and if that goes well they might consider meeting you. They want to see if the "spark" is there and if there is physical atraction when you meet. That may be a minor thing for Athena but I don't think most other women see it that way. Nevertheless, the date is the "moment of truth" and although they might not have decided before the meeting whether or not they want to sleep with you or become romantically involved with you it is "cards on the table" time.

I have found that when people do come out from behind their computers and they talk to you on the phone or meet you they are suddenly confronted with a real person and you do get more honesty from them than you got from them online. For example, they might admit that they lied about their age or something like that on their profiles and they might laugh about it and say, "I don't know why I did that" or something. When you were just emailing you were only talking to somebody on the internet and even if you did really like them you didn't really know them and you only trusted them so far.

In the time since I have been doing this since I decided to give it a go again last year I have met two women. Both times when I managed to coax them out of cyberspace I got a lot of personal information about them that they would probably never have told me in emails. It's all very well to talk about how people lie on the internet and conceal things but that's just going to happen and you do need a meeting if you want to have a proper chat and really get to know them. I accept that. It's just the nature of the game. Of course even when you meet them and start seeing each other they may still lie and hide things from you but those lies will unravel sooner or later and it's a lot easier to confront someone when they are actually in the same room as you. I ask a woman a question in an email. She doesn't give me a satisfactory answer or she doesn't answer it at all. I am trying to get her to date me and I know that I'm more likely to get the truth if I meet them and get a chance to have a proper conversation with them. It is like trying to real in a fish. If you tug too hard they are liable to slip off the hook. I'm someone on the internet pestering them and not a nice patient guy letting them take it at their own pace.

Yes exactly and when someone introduces you to their family they are trusting you as well. You introduce someone to your family and you are saying "I want to be with this person and I want you to be happy for me and to accept them." If the relationship doesn't go well after that you are going to look a bit stupid in front of your family, even if it isn't your fault that it doesn't work out.

women in my age range WERE presented. that's how we were raised. of course I am well past that now, but it is a mind set we were taught to have at a time. that is true. I hadn't really thought about that aspect of it

I would agree with asking family 4 years ago.
but since then, i met a family that didnt reveal any truth about my ex. They helped him cover up who and what by never getting personal. They stayed on the surface with everything. The only clue i got was the look in their eyes... his mother's look was the most revealing... when i met her, she starred at me saying goodbye one night with a very concerned look... almost scared. It wasnt enough to warn me of anything so 3 plus years later, now i know what it all meant. You wont know anything if someone doesnt share everything. I get it that a lot of people are good trustworthy people... but there are so many creeps out there that arent, you wont know what happened until the damage is done. There are tons of reasons women are online and wont meet. Could just be shes keeping her space for her own protection.

But you have said here that they helped him cover up by never getting personal. You talk about the look in his mother's eyes. In hindsight these should have been alarm bells but you ignored them. We've all done it.

This is your argument: I would have agreed four years ago but I met a family that covered up by never getting personal. Therefore meeting their family means nothing. In general your argument seems to be that you met some people that were untrustworthy, so you can't really trust anybody. It seems a bit silly to me. At the end of the day it's yourself that you don't trust. You have been fooled by people and you think that makes you a fool.

Tawt,
no one can know for sure what a look is all about. Its too subtle.
this look was only obvious after i found out what a monster her son was.
that look could've been anything. Its not about seeing it and ignoring it. Its nothing at the time. You cant make anything of it.




his family, were not untrustworthy. I did not say that. I said they covered up everything and wouldnt talk to me about things. Everything seemed normal and healthy for the first year. Sure, i saw those infamous red flags, but like all the other trusting people out there, i gave it the benefit of the doubt. Last time ever.
how can you get that wrong when its in writting for you to refer to? Maybe im not saying things right. Idk i didnt say i cannot trust anybody, i said i wouldnt just be trusting to a strange man right off the bat. Isnt that how people get hurt or killed? I learned a lot recently and i will not forget it for any reason. It would take far more than the year i gave it last time, partnered with investigating before i trusted when my back is turned. Maybe never again i dont know. The damage a lover can cause is serious! This is why it is written to take care of a persons heart... its NOT to play with.

I read every post of yours... youve been through some wicked stuff... but i dont read that youve been truly, madly, deeply in love with a person that mistreated you in EVERY way possible. One person, not many...lied to hundrrds of times... slandered...rejected...beaten... it messes with a person to the point of mental breakdown... therapy is required. Even a dog wouldnt trust a human again... Please, don't touch my trust issues anymore... i am the product of abuse. I did feel like a fool... too many times to count... and never again... thank you.

Well okay but you are the one posting about how you can't trust men on dating sites and in relationships and if you put that out there for discussion you can't complain if people respond to it. This isn't all about you but you did tell your story and people are going to have an opinion.

A man comes on a dating site and he gets ignored by most of the women that he tries to contact and the ones that do talk go on about creeps and players. You post on a forum going on about how you can't trust men and how they do horrible things. Women reading that are hardly going to feel anymore comfortable about talking to the men on here and actually dating them. I get nothing out of this personally. Nobody here is going to date me but there are other men on here that are frustrated because the women here won't reply to them or go out with them and much as I feel sorry for you about the bad time you went through they are the ones that I sympathise with because I'm in the same boat.

I don't mind sharing...and I don't mind you responding of course....but you keep making my trust issues my fault.
You keep telling me things that make me upset that I still don't trust. There is a process in this I am only at the beginning of, and I can tell you don't understand it. I am sharing my negative experience with other women here because I met my abuser HERE.

I agree but where does one go to meet these than online?

Not sure that I follow you. What do you mean by, "You keep telling me things that make me upset that I still don't trust"? Do you mean that you don't trust the things that I say? Don't want to be a grammar nazi here but you have a rather strange way of putting things sometimes. Maybe it's because you're upset and that makes it hard to express yourself properly?

Look, you say that you need therapy and your trust issues and what happened to you are two seperate things. I'm not stupid and I'm not an insensitive jerk that can't understand that if you go through a traumatic experience it is going to damage you. I've heard plenty of women telling stories similar to yours. I watch the Jeremy Kyle show. I know that abuse is horrible. I even have trust issues of my own. It's my opinion that you are letting the man who did what he did to you still have power over you and blight your life by constantly dwelling on it and letting it stop you from trusting people without doing mad things like having anyone that you might meet investigated.

What is the point in telling other women on here about it? Are you telling them to not meet men from this site or do you just think this is some sort of support group for people that have had bad experiences with dating?