"Im not fat. In fact, im so sexy that it overflows."
"Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence -- a life sentence."
"A crush is like a math problem. If you can't get it, you just stare at it."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. If the doctor is cute, i don't want the apple."
"If you are in a relationship, stop trying to figure out who is wearing the pants between the two of you. A relationship works best when both of you are not wearing pants."
"A smart wife makes sure she spends so much that her husband cannot afford another woman."
"Science has discovered a food that diminishes sex drive by 90%. A wedding cake."
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