1 Animal Division

a. $387,000 to study the effects robot-provided Swedish massage has on the physical recovery of rabbits after exercise.

b. $856,000 to train three mountain lions to run on a treadmill in order to measure the energy consumption of the cats' hunting techniques.

c. $171,000 to teach monkeys to gamble in order to determine if monkeys, like humans, believe in the concept of a "hot hand."

d. $473,000 to house 100 chimps in a room with 100 typewriters for the entire year to determine whether, if given enough time, they could recreate the complete works of Shakespeare.

2. Public Safety Division

a. $3 million to create a snarky social media presence named "Think Again Turn Away" to counter the propaganda movement of terrorist organizations.

b. $331,000 to study whether the concept of "HANGER" was real by testing whether hungry spouses were more likely to stab a voodoo doll of their mate.

c. $335,000 to build 38 "speed humps" (which incidentally, is how six of Adrian Peterson's children were conceived) in two Portland, Maine neighborhoods.

d. $820,000 to determine the impact of public breastfeeding on the rate of car accidents at crowded intersections.

3. Tax Division

a. $4.2 billion lost to improper tax refunds issued to identity thieves.

b. $10 million in lost tax revenue by permitting the super-rich to rent their homes for up to two weeks each year tax-free.

c. $4 billion in funding issues to states who improperly achieve a double benefit on federal Medicaid payments.

d. $1.9 million in lost tax revenue attributable to the ill-advised one-year extension of the "Too Tired to Work" credit.

4. Military Division

a. $1 billion to destroy $16 billion in unneeded purchases of military-grade ammunition.

b. $80 million for the development of a real-life Ironman suit.

c. $21 million for the Army Corps of Engineers to rebuild buildings that continue to burn down because of their shoddy construction.

d. $37 million for an initial inquiry as to the total cost for the U.S. to quell rising unrest in the middle East by "having everyone pretend to convert to Islam for a year or two."

5. Animal Division, Round 2.

a. $371,000 to study if mothers loved their dogs as much as their own kids by studying the way their brains responded to pictures of both.

b. $1.97 million in grants to create a new communication network for "fossil enthusiasts and professionals."

c. $307,000 to study the impact schools of swimming Sea Monkeys have on ocean current.

d. $1.2 million to study whether eating radioactive tuna caused by the Fukushima disaster as part of a balanced meal will provide humans with mild superpowers.

6. Recreational Division

a. $194,090 to determine if automatic text messages can encourage heavy drinkers to stop boozing.

b. $100,000 for the Coast Guard to patrol some of the country’s most exclusive real estate to stop uninvited guests from crashing private parties.

c. $120,000 in performance bonuses paid to an Environmental Protection Agency employee who admitted to viewing porn up to six hours a day on government computers.

d. $484,000 to study whether "drunk recall" of information learned while intoxicating is a real phenomenon, as part of a program titled "E=MC hammered."

7. The Arts Division

a. $10,000 to produce "Zombie in Love," a musical about a teenage zombie "dying to find true love."

b. $15,000 for the Colorado Symphony Orchestra to produce "Classically Cannabis: The High Note Series," with the intention of attracting younger audiences to the symphony.

c. $10,000 to return to the stage "RoosevElvis," a play about a shy woman who channels the personality of Elvis Presley and her imaginary friend, Teddy Roosevelt.

d. $27,000 to produce "One-Man Jurassic Park," a play meant to terrify and tantalize audiences after "'mankind's desire to play God' backfires in spectacular fashion."