Hello world, as a recently single mom I am dipping my toes into the dating pool for the first time in about 6 years. And lets face it dating as a single unattached woman is a lot easier (though not much) than attempting to date as a parent. Theres the whole struggle of when do I introduce to the kids, when do I tell them I have kids? Loosing interest after intereste just because you have kids, and the struggle of time management between dating and the family you currently have. Its all a little daunting. Anyone have any tips to make this trek easier for us parents? Or even past experiences that they'd like to share giving us hope that we will find someone out there that can not only handle our cookey selves but the personalities of children as well?
Being a parent in the dating world can be a plus and a minus. But so are a lot of other factors in our over all persona.
My cardinal premise in any relationship is honesty.
HOWEVER Just because you tell a person you have a child does not mean you have to violate their privacy or sanctity of their home by bringing someone you want to date into their life. I might talk in general terms to a new acquaintance about my children put it is a slow revel and only telling what is justified. I had a special needs child and I did not let that stay in the shadows long or be and excuse but I did want to thin out anyone from my life that did not want to take on that role.
I think it is a mistake to date someone as ONLY a potential mate/co parent but then I did become more picky so that I did not often put myself in that frustrating situation of saying Ghee you are fun but you are not mate and daddy material later on. With limited time/money to date I did not have the luxury to be so casual. And it is painful enough to be rejected personally with out someone rejecting you for doing the right thing and being a parent.
Since my kids were such a big presence in my life; with me at work, church, organizations I belong to, very visible in the community and my public life, even joined me in many of my hobbies, and knew all my friends male and female the "issue " of actually having that "first introduction" was very rare. AND it made way less pressure about questions about what does this guy mean in our lives; my dates were just someone their Mom knew that they had met but started seeing show up more often. I did not do sleep overs and there were off limits places in our home to non-family and I think that helped my kids deal with me dating. As a working Mom/Home based Business owner they were used to being excused to the family area with a sitter. That occasionally was a adjoining hotel suite because my job required travel and I was not about to leave my kids at home alone to speak at a conference.
I worked really hard at raising my kids very early to respect everyone's rights, have basic social skills and manners towards adults in general; so their behavior was rarely and issue. Many times I think that some people even saw my special child as "manageable" and that dispelled the "oh kids run syndrome" but then I did not put my kids in the situation of being over tired or stressed about meeting people. There were times I am sure guys passed because they were not invited into family life until it went past the dating to the formal courting stage but oh well. I will say if I got a bad vibe off the interaction of someone with my kids I would very likely refuse a date.
I avoid like the plague they guys that had I want to be a Daddy/Hero delusions. I never wanted to be rescued. Clearly didn't need it. Not that things were posh I just kept private matters private; especially financial ones. Having twin sons was something that got a lot of attention. And nobody discipline my kids including their step father (who actually adopted them) for a very long time.
I had a short period of time where and Ex was a real arse about me dating and I put a halt to the issue pronto with professional intervention to document it. But it contributed to my decision to make a long distance move and financial and career change that was difficult but disengaged the drama which was hard for the court to argue against after the fact. I did not ask permission and was gone before he could object.
But I tried to keep the past separated as much I possibly could from the future people in my life so my kids did not see it as ditching the birthparent/his family because of someone they could direct resentments towards. A good reason to take a separation period as a time out from dating anyone. Kids need a time to grieve the loss of a parent.
So I did not do the shared parenting thing because he would not be bothered to parent and when the next step mommy showed her behind I did not remotely hesitate to envole the police and shut her down when she tried to get involved in family stuff; even with the grandparents who were way cool to my sons. Word about evil ex-inlaws. The best thing is to keep as much distance as possible and just out live the relationship that often implodes faster if you do not make hatred of you the glue that holds them together.
I have empathy and even admiration for people who do it but the ones who seem to do it successfully seem to make a special point of keeping the kids out of the middle and have as little contact as possible. It is very hard to fight with someone that you don't have phone,text, and porch contact with. Compartmentalizing parenting chores with avoids a lot of conflict. I even saw that with child caregivers. I made it clear what was their territory and what was not.
I do think what really made it easier for me to get through it all was a very wise soul pulled me aside and made it clear to me that being a parent would be my most important right/responsibility I also had the right and/responsibility to be a person and that meant setting some time regularly as a priority for me. OR I would burn out.) So I had a regular babysitter to go out weekly just for me. Sometimes it was going out alone, sometimes with a friend and frequently it was a date. I was lucky to live in a community where there were about 5 eligible guys for every female but I think the habit of it being a positive to do something for myself. setting that as acceptable , taught my kids that life skill.
Something I should have carried through when I became my Dad's caregiver but not unlike a dependent kid. The thing with a parent is they grow more childlike and the process can be a LOT longer.
