It's why I never congratulate a pregnancy unless someone says they're pregnant.

It's why I never congratulate a pregnancy unless someone says they're pregnant.

I think you're talking about how much more subtle and complicated the idea of apologies can be, than many people recognize.

It might be left over from when we were kids. The first apologies many of us learn about, are the times we are forced to say "I'm sorry" to someone who our parents decided that we had to apologize to. I suspect most of us deduce from such experiences, that apologies are a sort of combination of things. Some of those things are almost contradictory.

I remember when I was a kid and had to say sorry to someone, that the overall thing I was doing included admitting guilt, erasing my debt to the other person, and being punished by having to humiliate myself in front of both parent/authority, and the other kid. Most apologies at that age, aren't genuine, from the kid's point of view.

When we get older, unless we put in the effort to really think things through in detail, we can end up with a lot of confusion and internal frustration about whether we even should apologize at all. A lot of adults add the idea of apologies as bribery or as payoffs to people who we upset, to the list we have left over from our childhoods.

If you get serious and careful customer service training, as I did, you might be introduced to the idea of apologizing to an upset person, not for what they THINK you did wrong, just for the fact that they are unhappy. The idea there, is not to accept any guilt or responsibility at all, for what the customer WANTS you or your employer to do, it's just to try to calm them down enough that you can start investigating all the details of why they ARE upset. Then if you work for an honorable company, you'll go from investigation to solutions for the customer. So that kind of apology is a bit like what I think you were talking about in personal situations, where you are apologizing to someone when you don't actually feel that you did anything wrong, you just want them to calm down.

Im sorry this is not the answer you were hoping for
I'm sorry this makes you uncomfortable
I'm sorry that you found my words hurtful
I'm sorry that you find my honesty too brutal


see how this is different then just saying I'm sorry

Yes, but again one could ask the question if they really are sorry or don't give a rip and are simply being polite, or trying to calm you down.

I think in many cases phrasing it that way could even upset someone further?
I think it would go down better if you'd say:
-I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable
-I'm sorry my words hurt you
etc.

By using "you find" you kind of keep a distance emotionally, which can easily feel like you are just saying it because it's polite, but don't really give a rip.