I'm a tad late to the party but I would like to add my 7 cents worth nevertheless. I was a child development major before realizing I did not like kids enough to do that as a career so I switched to computers because they do not talk back or sneak out the house like I did lol.
The only time to "train" your kids is when they are youngsters and still malleable. Once they become teens/close to adulthood, they yearn to break free from parents and make their own choices (pretty sure most of us did the same thing). That is fine as long as they foot their OWN bills. Since your child is grown, the only thing you can do to train her is to demand she respect the rules of the house. Short of physical punishment (I don't recommend), you cannot even make her respect YOU at this point, as we see played out on Dr. Phil. There is no asking her anything unless you happen to live in HER home. Since she lives under your roof, you set the rules and let her know she must obey them or at least maintain contact with you should circumstances arise where she cannot do so. That means that you must outline your terms and specify consequences if she breaks them. That requires some tough love on your part because you must follow through and be consistent. You must mean what you say and say exactly what you mean so there can be no argument. Of course, the consequences would be specific to that child like if you pay her car note, take the car away for a period of time to teach her responsibility but you must be consistent. Not to be mean, I am just brutally honest, but it sounds like she is running the show going by your statement about her still dirty winter shoes. Your threats may have worked, for now, but soon she will realize that is all you do and she will come to ignore them or even challenge them. She is disobeying you because she knows she can get away with it with only vague excuses as explanation. PLEASE teach her right, right now. When she has a career, do you think her boss will allow her to always be late and talk her way out of it? Maybe once, twice at best. Soon, boss will get sick of excuses and fire her. Same goes for when she gets her own place or being pulled over too many times for speeding: landowner or cop will only put up with so much before she must pay the piper and her arguments fall on deaf ears. I don't know any parents who want to see their kid suffer those fates. My advice is never threaten but react. Again, consistency is KEY. This is your last chance to teach her responsibility before she goes out into a world that will not love her and worry about her as you do.
When I tell my sons to do something, I meant it! I wish I WOULD repeat myself to them. If they do not comply, I am on it every time. I have to be as my youngest is very manipulative and sneaky. He actively seeks ways to skirt the rules but I am consistent with consequences. Yes, it can be tiring but parenting is literally a full-time job. You sound like a great, caring mommy and she's probably a good kid thanks to your efforts but you want to ensure she becomes a responsible adult. Kids sure don't come with a user manual so I give kudos to you for being brave and reaching out to other parents. Very best of luck to you (sorry for the rather windy entry, I am a published author and LOVE to write lol).
Thanks a lot
🧚♀️
will read what you wrote carefully I’m having lunch best wishes dear sis