Captains log - Star date - Blah blah blah

Can the Amazon rainforests keep up with my current rate of tissue usage?

1 Chicken Tikka Mango chutney sandwich
A packet of pickled onion monster munch
2 maple pecan plaits

Correct nutrient uptake is vital

The ante has been upped. I was forced to walk the many miles that is the 100 yards or so to the closest Tesco
Where I managed to procure a further 2 steak slices, and other assorted items, after stalking them , from behind my shopping basket
For some reason I find picturing Larsi in a French maids outfit strangely soothing
As well as 1 or 2 other folks, who shall remain unnamed, for fear of reprisals

Somebody wants me to put mustard in a bath?

Is it a woman, disguised as a man, wanting to punish me, as she's reached her lunar cycle, and therefore wishes to kill, all men?

Is she in league with the malevolent team of devils, that currently reside in my head,( quite how they manage to make my eyeballs ache remains unknown) trying to tenderise my skull from the inside, like a piece of steak, and she wishes to season me?

It's a chance I have to take

By some miracle the only tins of mustard powder available in the jungle that was Tesco, were exactly 2 ounces

Perhaps there is a god, it remains to be seen.

Apparently it may turn me into an elephant, so it's not all bad news, as women seem to have an affinity for said creatures

What you need, sir, is to soak it in cider.

What you mean.............. enter cider space?

If'n I gotta tell ya what I mean, you ain't gots da man flu.