i give up......why did my wife leave after 22 years

no warning just goodbye

Ask your ownself or question your wife...

I had 21 years in when one day right after making love as she was walking out of the bedroom she stopped and said I don't love you anymore, I want a divorce, my son and foster son heard her say it, and the place exploded... Like you, I had no warning, I knew things were not going fantastic, at the moment, but we had hard times before and always gotten through it... Found out later she had been cheating on me repeatedly for years... Only advise I can give is open your mind and figure out the mistakes both of you made... Just be honest with yourself then stop doing what you did in the previous relationship...

Don't ever rule out the menopause factor. My ex just went totally irrational and she was young at the time. Age has nothing to do with the change of life at all.

My husband did this too. Right down to the affairs. It is a message to us all to approach relationship difficulties before they become insurmountable. If you can't talk about it, you can write a note! I wish I had. Use lots of "I" statements such as I feel unwanted when you ignore me. It makes me mad when you don't help in the kitchen - I have a long day at work too looking after the children at home. I find you have become less loving in bed - is there a problem?

This will go over better than blaming. For one thing, nobody can argue with how you feel. If you just say you've been ignoring me a lot lately, it's too easy to reply no I haven't! Not a constructive conversation.

We were together 38 years. It hurts more than I ever imagined I could hurt

All women go through the menopause. You knew that when you guys got together. Relationships are about give and take, taking turns to support each other. If you found this time difficult, just think how your partner felt! She was actually experiencing something awful over which she had no control.

Did you help her to seek medical advice? Did you hold her close at night and tell her everything would be OK in a while? Did you talk together to work out coping strategies - for you both - when things got really bad?

Women suffer from menopause in varying degrees. As a partner and support person, it can be extremely hard. But like Mental Illness it is not her fault and everyone will get through it better if there is empathy and assistance rather than criticism

All women go through the menopause. You knew that when you guys got together. Relationships are about give and take, taking turns to support each other. If you found this time difficult, just think how your partner felt! She was actually experiencing something awful over which she had no control.

Did you help her to seek medical advice? Did you hold her close at night and tell her everything would be OK in a while? Did you talk together to work out coping strategies - for you both - when things got really bad?

Women suffer from menopause in varying degrees. As a partner and support person, it can be extremely hard. But like Mental Illness it is not her fault and everyone will get through it better if there is empathy and assistance rather than criticism

@Dark Horse - Such a kind post ever.. it brings a console.. how nice it is when people are understanding instead of criticising.. your reply or this topic is in no way related to me but your words were really a console for me at this moment.. you spoke from the heart of the other side of a person in a kind way..

OT You should give it a thought, no woman would leave just like that.. she would have tried ways to make the bonding work, tried options to make you understand n waited on you many days Or even struggled to get your time to speak about this.. just give it a thought if you have considered them or ignored those moments when she was literally suffering.. when she needed you, we're you there for her.. when a woman trusts you beyond everything, it would be much consoling for her if the man holds responsibilty.. when a woman leaves, that's the edge of her decision after all hard efforts! if it's 22 days we can think of any other ways but it's 22 years, you should know how much she would have loved you n how much it must have hurted her to take this decision!

dont bet money!

mine walked out after 18 1/2 years, no warning, goodbye, nothing, i was clueless. only issue was for a few weeks was demanding I buy and give her lazy liberal daughter a house, me pay all bills, and expenses, me take a second job to afford, so daughter could sit on her butt and play games all day, & I told her the door was over there, and yep she walked out while I was at work. & I have no regrets, about refusing to buy a $100K house to give to someone too sorry to work, the daughter is 40 years old.... wants everything handed to her, and even her car, my ex paid 100% for, insurance, fuel, upkeep.

want to talk about lonely? all close family is deceased, all but 2 "friends" are deceased, just me, i have made arrangements for Thanksgiving, with lady i am friends with, but wouldnt date me, but going out to eat, better than sitting home 100% alone, with no one to call. we may do same on CHristmas, but not official date. and cant find any decent lady.

she absolutely refuses to date, due to her health issues, and huge property, her ex still maintains for her, doesnt want to burden anyone, it takes him 8 hours on tractor to mow yard, 4-6 to weedeat, plus any other misc, he also was a narcissist, and she was with for 38 years, she still numb... he left her for another woman.

so everytime i get a date, i barely make it through date, so far everyone has been jerks, or hateful, and 1 hoarder.

I never did what you said! I was replying to the topic where the person was asking why!
I guess in your case, you had known the issue n also detailed it here!

Life can be anything, we never knew what's in store for us tomorrow. Loneliness is not a fate or a curse. It's all about how you like yourself n enjoy your own company. A companion is just like a candle to the cake! if a candle doesn't exist also, the cake has its own flavors to hold it's uniqueness!
Frustrations, stress etc can only harm your health, live for yourself if there's no one too, do the things you've enjoyed, you are the only reason for making yourself happy. You hold the control whether to allow worries into your heart Or not..

Have peaceful days, it's your life, decorate it to the best!

but i just meant after 18 1/2 years, person walks away over a couple week fuss, over demanding me buy a house, i have 3 homes, but to walk out over money, plus my exhaustion, i have worked 2 jobs 30 years, im tired, i made great money, but its not in me to hustle 5+ more years, just work primary job until retirement.

i lived a lonely life for years long ago, but had friends, now all are deceased, car wreck, heart attack, complication of diabetes,

i cant do some things, its depressing to go places i had fun at when i wasnt alone, 1 place i got so choked up, i requested meal to go, left, ate it at home, not been back there, im returning to my past, going places i went long ago, when i was a loner.

at present i cant afford to travel, bills, if i take second job, i could, but wouldnt have time to, had 4 serious offers for jobs in last few months. 1 thing im known about, I do metal fabrication on classic cars, i can do what you see in tv shows. but not currently working professionally in that field.

i am doing my best to make best of every day, but no enjoyment, but holidays coming up, once had big family get togethers, all died in 1990's. had friends, now gone, so 2 holidays coming up, would be sitting home, at least will go out few hours to eat. only her dad is deceased, but all turned against her, her kids prefer their dads new GF, yep, and her mom doesnt want her over, she was a daddys girl, i knew her dad all my life. her mom will call, thats it.

as for trying not to be depressed, the more alone i am, the less active i am, the more i think of my bad past, and let it haunt me. i cant change it, but it bothers me. thats 1 reason i ended up working so much, to keep my mind active. then enjoyed the money, ans was able to buy 3 homes, plus other toys, classic cars. tractors, but a lonely life.

I respect your efforts for explaining in detail..

The only person who has been facing that situation with her would be you, you would only know how n why these discussions started n why it progressed until the two weeks fuss.. I can give you my general views or my thoughts pertaining to what I read here but you would be the better person to know her true intentions from the time you knew her, loved her n had been with her for this 18 plus years.. you can give it a thought if any words you've said in anger too asking her to leave..

but on a serious note, if thinking about these is going to make you worry, pls do not spend time on it..

Reading about your hard work, your efforts on keeping yourself busy at work n the skills you own, really portrays you to be a hard working n talented person.. You proudly own the metal fabrication skill, you should be happy for so many achievements..

I understand how much your doing the best to keep yourself active n I respect the pain of loneliness quoted here.. In different places n family get togethers in various occasions, you've made so many good memories to cherish n can be thankful for the life you lived with people who were part of your world when they were alive..

We all are born for some purpose n you are making your days interesting by doing the best. As you meet new people here or in real life, you will get to move on n find happiness too..

Never think of anything that haunts you n be proud for all you've achieved, you've crossed so many struggles n you are still making it up by doing your best

Stay happy, proud n pat yourself for being the best with all your efforts..

Have wonderful, healthy days ahead

she only said sometimes she felt like my mom, instead of my GF, thats all she has said. will not elaborate? i assume cooking and laundry? while worked part time, while i worked 2 jobs for decades to afford a good life. even 1 of my homes, that belonged to best friend, after he died, she asked me to buy it for her retirement, so i did, killed myself working and paid it off in 4 1/2 years.

as for my metal achievements, i am also a mechanic, i can do anything automotive related, including paint,then i can do butchering, plus normal welding fabrication, then household wiring, i took in college, i also do light carpentry, and plumbing, plus floral work, usually artificial pieces for graves, but i can work with any medium, and then light refrigeration work, it took a lifetime to get like this.

as for bad thought, for example egging someone on to street race, he finally did, not for money, he crashed and died, however he was winning, he had wife and kid in car, i still see kid waving at me bye bye, as i was loosing, but all 3 died in that wreck, trust me, i paid my way through college street racing, quite a few deaths from people loosing control, i never stopped, so all looked like single car wrecks at high speed. but thats example of things that haunt me, seeing childs face every day and night in my head seeing other wrecks, but they pushed above abilities, and lost control, but i was guy to beat, and i usually raced 10 miles flat out, not 1/4 mile stuff. i built car specifically for high speed road racing, i stopped all racing when family crashed

No one leaves just like that. If you feel you didn't get a warning you just weren't paying attention to the state of your relationship.
People ALWAYS show signs of dissatisfaction, not being happy anymore, not being fulfilled. They usually even voice this which you as a man will likely call "complaining" while she was letting you know how she felt.
I can never understand how men can say "she just left out of the blue! Everything was fine and she just left!"
If everything was fine she wouldn't have left.
Pay heed.
Learn from this. The message is simple: never take someone else and a relationship for granted.
Being in a relationship/married doesn't guarantee it will last forever, nor does it mean you can stop making an effort and stop investing in the other and the connection.
Good question to ask would be: "Where did I fall short?"
Not to feel guilty but to learn, and with that recover.

Typical lame comment. If you can't explain it you play the 'menopause card'.
Maybe she just got fed up with your penopause.
Point being that no one leaves a connection that makes them happy, is fulfilling, and healthy.
If she left the connection clearly wasn't any of those anymore and she's not to blame for that. A relationship is a 2-way street.

It's not about just buying homes, cooking n laundry which a woman can be into for 18 plus years, there's alot more a woman needs emotionally from a man when she has surrendered her whole life for you..if there had been moments to let her talk n given her the space to express her pains n intentions, you could have understood her better.. Anger should not be a response and discussions shouldn't turn into an argument or be just one way when she's trying to explain how she feels..its all about listening, understanding n being supportive to each other.

I understand the incidents that affected you regarding racing n high speed cars.. You have done your part by stopping it from your end after you realised the pain in it.. If they hit your memories, it can bring peace within you to offer a prayer for them(if you are religious) else offer a wish for them to this universe.. it can be a blessing for them and You

Have a peaceful n healthy day

i cant even figure out if was a warning signs, trust me, i have analyzed it so much, she seemed happy, she asked me to take her on vacation in May to Tennesse I did, she had found place online, I tried to do everything to make her happy, we had a vacation to Myrtle beach planned for September, but left first week of July, and I didnt go alone.

we talked nearly every day and night, I always asked if was ok, how she felt, if needed anything, so I could help anytime, I thought i was pretty intune to her.

the only thing i know of was the fuss for me to buy that sorry Liberal kid a house, and during 1 fuss, she saw my eyes, started asking if I was going to kill her, i said NO! but she got spooked over look in my eyes. she knew in my younger days I enjoyed hurting people that crossed me, i never started, but I would beat person, even today, try hitting me, & that person will change from attacker into the victim, the only thing else, is she knows I refused to give her Liberal daughter anything, as well as her grandson, my will gave it to my deceased best friends son, that is respectful of people.

her grandson was around during TN trip, fussing because will lose his insurance when turns 18, he needs medicine, like Insulin, what is he going to do, i said GET A JOB! preferably one with insurance!, he was mad enough to fight, he did cuss me, but he wants all handed to him, he wasnt conceived when i met ex, 2 years ago, I tried to give him money, i had saved all my spare coins from time was 6 months old, to 15, several thousand dollars, so he could buy first car, he cussed me out, he only wanted electric car, or Hybrid, refused to roll money, demanded i take to bank, then I could put money in his account, and he could buy what he wanted, electronic games. needles to say I rolled coins up, we used, part was used on TN trip. my ex ended up buying her daughter a Camry Hybrid so could have transportation, and not rely on public transportation, yeah, so my ex made down payment, made monthly payments, paid insurance, gas, and all expenses. for someone that refuses to work. kid has done a few food deliveries if wanted something, like a game, but no, relied on my ex paying her way

when the daughter started asking for a way out from her BF, that got into porn, i offered to help rent her an appartment, let her move here to 1 of my homes, or pull in trailer and put in well septic at a 1 acre piece of land i own, that wasnt acceptable, only her own home, in 1 of 3 nearby cities to her, everything I was shown was $50k to $100k i told her to get a job, i would help if needed a hand, but i wasnt going to pay for it.

so at age 67, my ex was going to retire October or November, this year, now has to work many more years, starting over. i been told has been posting anti-liberal stuff on facebook now, i was blocked, but we had over 100 mutual friends, so i hear of what is posted, and sometimes get screen shots. before she left, she never posted political stuff. I never said I dont believe in helping, i dont believe in giving to someone that refuses to work. I want a $30K car, sure... i want a $100K house.... go work for it, if fall short 1-2 months ask, but get a job and work, try.

and here I am... no regrets on not buying a home, & I was going to buy my ex a home at lake 2 years ago, realtor jerked us around during height of COVID, refused to accept deposit, depending on bank financing, only accepting cash offers, i applied at bank, but place was sold within a few days. i was still working second job then, making decent money.

I would go with Robin's reply if there are still confusions on this..Many views have been shared in this topic too n now that you agree, you've done everything for her n had given her a happy life n still not having a clue...better then, not to waste time anymore, best is to ask her n get the answer

After 25 years ... I woke up.
I threw away those rose-colored glasses.
I ended the marriage with no 'look backs'.

For me, it wasn't a spur of the moment decision.
For her, it seemed like I just got up one day and ended our marriage.

What started my path wasn't even "US' related, technically.
I got hurt at work, then got sick...couldn't do my job anymore and they had to let me go.
I worked a lower paying, less fulfilling job for a few years but eventually couldn't do that work either and they too had to let me go.

Then the financial burdens threatened to (and finally did) take my house. Savings dried up.
My health got worse, depression set in.

During this time period, my X could have supported us. Most of our marriage I worked and brought home money, gave it to her and she handled the money, expenses and stayed home with the kids.
She worked off and on, built a career in nursing and had her own career. I even helped her write a really good resume.

Unlike how I treated her for 24 years, when she had to take care of me it was like she resented me and she started making lil comments about how useless I was and I even heard her refer to me as her "kept man" to her friends (which she would never introduce me to).

Whenever I tried to talk to her about "US" she was always too tired or too busy or had to go "here or there".

This change in our relationship, her attitude and my anger over her betrayal of our bond chipped away at me.
I finally had enough and stopped "US" in our tracks. The whole thing hurt bad. It added to my depression. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.
I had no friends left, no family I could confide in for clarity, my kids couldn't understand what happened to mom. Out on their own, they became ghosts, steering clear of our 'family drama' as it unfolded before them.

When the final day came, my X was surprised. Perhaps she thought I had no courage to end it, maybe she was oblivious to our downhill spiral of insanity. It hurt me bad to end it but I knew I couldn't continue down the same road anymore and no matter how I tried to reason with her, she either didn't get it or no longer wanted to get it.

When I ended it, I told her there would be no more chances. I held that promise. Just like I held our marriage vows. No phone calls, no walks in the park, no meets for lunch, if I knew she would be someplace (over at one of the kids houses) I made sure to stay away. I told my kids I don't want to hear about, see or know about her. That was pretty difficult. They know I am a man of my word but they had to try to get mom and dad back together. This went on for almost a year till the divorce.

Over 10 years later, my life is much better now than when I was married to her. I have my sanity, I have money, bills are paid, house is clean, I have what I need and I think and do what I want.
I have been able to find a woman who is nothing like her. Been together over 4 years now.

Those rose-colored glasses are gone. While trying to work things out with myself, I realized my X wasn't the only thing I saw with rose-colored glasses. I put away my delusions about life.
I started living in reality and dealing with problems effectively instead of passionately. I stopped taking life's turmoil personally.
Making better, clearer decisions allows me to stop many problems before they become problems.

I'm no longer mad at the world.
I'm no longer depressed.
I no longer base my life on fantasy expectations.
I try to see people as they are, not how I want to see them.
I allow....Others, to be themselves and no longer feel a need to justify their words and actions just so I can keep my idea of who and what they are.
Life is hard enough on its own without me adding my baggage to it all.

Oh, and her...I don't give a damn about her.
She was a 25 year hard life lesson which made me who I am today. Wouldn't change a thing.

LONELY

Loneliness is like when you look at your face in the mirror. Unique to you.

I grew up in the country, on a farm. My only sibling is a sister who is 8 years older than I.
In the 60s and early 70s I rode my bicycle everywhere I wanted to go, I had friends.

In school, I rode a full bus 26 miles one way everyday, had friends on the bus and friends in school.

In college I had friends in the dorm and friends in class.

In the service, I had friends and subordinates. Had 4 small children at home and a wife.

In my job, I had friends, eventually subordinates (who were like a 2nd family) and at home raised 4 children to young adulthood.

When the kids grew up and moved out and my marriage ended I suffered from "Empty Nest Syndrome"
I went from a life of activity and turmoil to dead silence. I spent years in dead silence, only my own reflection in the mirror to talk to.

During my formative years in the country I spend a lot of time alone. I read a lot of books (mostly fiction). My imagination was my friend. You could say, "I spent a lot of time in my head"

After work, after family...I again spent a lot of time in my head. I now watch movies for entertainment, Movies cause my imagination to soar. I write, I compose and I work on projects.

What I don't do is focus on the fact I am alone most of the time. My GF and I have an agreement to keep our together-time special. We keep it special because we spend time together sporadically and without schedule. Sometimes one day a week, sometimes a full weekend and sometimes a week long tryst. We are NOT joined at the hip. It makes our relationship strong because when we are together it is special.

How YOU deal with being alone is governed by your life experiences. If you have always been around a lot of people and place your self-value in how others see you, being alone can be hell for you.

If you raised a family for decades and now everyone is gone, it can cause 'empty nest' but if you are aware it is a temporary condition which only you can control, you can get yourself clear of those feelings of loneliness.

One thing being alone allows you to do is you now have the ability to remake yourself as you see fit. It can be a slow process. While you do this, the trick is to not 'focus' on the loneliness. Keep yourself entertained (distracted) while you remake yourself to be who you want to be now.
Let the turmoil and adopted stress fade away from your life and seek contentment within yourself.
Realize its Okay to be alone but being lonely is a form of depression which can affect how you appear to others. Get a handle on the loneliness within you and master being alone...Your rock steady presence will attract others.

Looking back, its much easier to see in hindsight than while you are battling loneliness. It is a difficult row to hoe but since it is your own life and you are the one living it, who is more qualified to make those changes than you?