
Which Wiccan tradition do you gals follow?
Wiccan Traditions
1.Eclectic and Solitary Wicca
There is also a movement of Eclectic or Solitary Wiccans who claim to belong to the religious movement, but do not believe any doctrine or traditional initiation is necessary in order to substantiate the claim.
So you or your partner might be a Wiccan RIGHT NOW and not even know it. If you suspect you are a Wiccan or might have contracted Wicca, please see Dr. Kevorkian to get tested, and be sure to be open with your partner.
(Please note that this should not be confused with Electric Wicca, or even Epileptic Wicca)
2.Gardenarian Tradition
Formed by the quintessential Wiccan, Mexican Gardener, this tradition emphasizes respect for the earth through lawnmower worship and erotic dungeons and dragons games. Many Wiccans shy away from this particular tradition, due to its strong preference for Elitist Esoteric Assholes who Actually Know what They're Talking About and Practice a Real Religion. Initiation is necessary, though can be overridden by sacrificing a magjickkkkkkk sprinkler to the gods and/or one's guardian feminazi.
The true origins of Gardenarian Wicca were that Gardener, on one of his 'flights of fancy' to the US, came across the system at a BQQ at his old pal L-Ron's house. It was, however, the notorious gangsta-rappa and gaylord Aleister Crowley who put the innocent and gullible Gardner up to the whole thing, as some sort of sick prank. The whole thing backfired when people actually fell for the whole preposterous scheme and Crowley is reported to have exclaimed in dismay "Shiat! I've created monsta y'all!".
This was originally started through the combined effort of L. Ron Hubbard, Ray Kroc and Bill Gates. They hoped to combine their occult powers to ensure that each home in Amerika (and eventually the world) would have at least one Wiccan. In order to do this they needed to make Wicca more easily digestible and able to be distributed to as wide an audience as possible but still with the great attention to service excellence as original Wicca. Following in the footsteps of the highly respected "Online Colleges" where one can buy your PhD, they started a Witch School where one could make your way through their ranks to become Queen of all Wiccans. All a future Wiccan wannabe needed to do was send them money and in return they would send you papers to fill your bookshelves at home with, cool badges to win friends and influence people with and a certificate with tasteful clipart pictures (drawn by L. Ron Hubbard himself) in case anyone tries to dispute your claim of being Queen of all Wiccans. All rituals, including self-initiations, take place online in chat rooms, probably by those same guys who hit on your 8-year-old sister through Yahoo Messenger.
The Native Americans had been practicing Wicca for millennia and it had been passed down to L. Ron Hubbard by his grandma (a Native American gypsy wench, who occasionally hit the crack-peace-pipe) but was an overly complicated system
3.British Traditional
This was started one fateful evening when the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and was seen by some bored upper-class teenagers. This tradition is also known as "The Cult of Rupert Giles". An important part or these rituals involves forming a circle to drink Darjeeling and eat cucumber sandwiches.
4.Alexandrian Tradition
Only people with the name Alex, Alexandra, Aleq or Alexander may join these covens. Alexandrias, oddly, are banned from the tradition, and in fact are in danger of being skinned alive and eaten if they come within 100 yards of an Alexandrian coven.
5.Faery/Fairy Tradition
This a tradition where covens are made up of 8-year-old girls and gay males of varying ages.
6.Christian Wicca
Um... yeah... this one is pretty hard to explain. Apparently it involves cannibalism. One thing we do know is that it's bread from Christians who think that if they believe in something they don't believe in, which is what they think but not what they know, then they must still be Christians because they still believe, they just don't know what they believe. Then they'll go to hell, or some other really bad place. Because, you know, it's bad. So not knowing, but thinking of beliefs still makes it okay, because you know, otherwise, it's bad again. Ultimately, there can be only one.
7.Dianic Tradition
Ever since the tragic passing of Princess Goddess Diana, this tradition has come to total fruition. Believers of this tradition worship before an Altar of Diana, normally depicted in her striking 80's-big-hair form. They also operate an underground network of operatives as they currently believe that either the Gardenarians or Alexandrians might have been behind the plot to kill their deity... either them or it was just those annoying, smelly, jealous French froggies! They are also known to have called a Jihad on the house of Windsor, thereby claiming their title as Wicca's most extremist and fundamentalist tradition!